THE LAW OFFICES OF
 JOHN S. KEATING
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Lawyer Joke of the Day

JUST TO SHOW THAT SOME LAWYERS CAN LAUGH AT THEMSELVES (this one, at least), WE PROUDLY BRING YOU THE LAWYER JOKE OF THE DAY:

Editor's Note: 

If you've heard a good lawyer joke, please share it with us.  After a while (in October of 2009, to be precise), we noticed that we kept running across variations of the same jokes.  So we took a break from the "daily" part of "Lawyer Joke of the Day."  But we will happily post any funny new jokes we come across, so if you have a good one, please pass it on (we'll give credit where credit is due), via our "Contact Us" page or our email address:
chip@johnkeatinglaw.com.  (In the meantime, please enjoy some of our favorite lawyer humor, below.)  Happy lawyer bashing...

LAWYER JOKES 

Some Q & As:

Q: What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?
A: Accountants know they're boring.

Q: What's the one thing that never works when it's fixed?
A: A jury.

Q: Why did God invent lawyers?
A: So that real estate agents would have someone to look down on.

Q: What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer on a motorcycle?
A: The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.


Thanks to Roland "Chip" Riggs, several good ones:


1)  A lawyer is driving down the street with his arm out the window.  Another car swerves too close and sideswipes him, causing severe damage to his car, and dismembering his arm.  The lawyer pulls over to the side and jumps out of his car, immediately lamenting the damage to the other driver.  "My car!  It was a brand new Porsche!  How are you going to make this up to me?!  You better have insurance."  The other driver looks disgusted and says "You lawyers are all the same.  You care so much about money you didn't even notice your arm is gone!"  The lawyer looks down at his arm and exclaims "Oh my god...my Rolex!"

2)  A lawyer, a doctor, and a janitor die in a car accident and find themselves at the pearly gates.  St. Peter explains "We have limited space, so we've been deciding admission based on a trivia contest."  St. Peter then turns to the janitor and asks "What was the name of the famous ship that hit an iceberg and sank, killing all those people?"  The janitor replies "The Titanic!"  "Very good", says St. Peter, "you may enter."  St. Peter then turns to the doctor and asks "How many people died on that ship?"  The doctor replies "about three thousand?"  "Close enough," says St. Peter, "you may enter."  St. Peter then turns to the lawyer and says "Name 'em."

3  A blind old woman came to a lawyer to draft her will.  The lawyer said he would do so for $200.  They discussed the will and, as she got up to leave, the old lady reached into her purse and pulled out cash to pay the lawyer.  However, she accidentally included an extra hundred dollar bill.  The lawyer then realized he had to face a very thorny ethical question -- should he tell his partner about the extra $100?

4)  A man is flying in a hot-air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." 

The man below says: "Yes, you're in a large red hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field between 40 & 41 degrees latitude and 120 and 124 degrees West longitude."
 
"You must be an associate," says the balloonist. 
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of absolutely no use to me and I still don't know where I am." 
The man below says, "Ah, I can tell from your reaction that you must be a partner."

"
Well, yes," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Because," says the man below, "You don't know where you are, or where you're going, you've gotten to where you are primarily due to hot air, and you've made a promise you have no idea how to keep, but expect me to solve your problem. You're in the same position as you were before we met, but somehow now it's my fault."

Thanks to Peter Hackett:

Warning Signs that you Might Need a Different Lawyer:

Your lawyer tells you that his last good case was of Budweiser.

When the prosecutors see your lawyer, they high-five each other.

Your lawyer picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."

Your lawyer tells you that he has never told a lie.

A prison guard is shaving your head.

October 2, 2009

A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked "Give it to me straight. How long have I got?" The physician replied that he doubted that his patient would survive the night. The man then said "Call for my lawyer."

When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind.

The man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side, and I thought I'd check out the same way."

October 1, 2009

You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background, sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. “If I wasn’t under oath, I d return the compliment,” replied the witness.

September 30, 2009

A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the point where the pathways meet. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.

When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.

The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was.

The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.

The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!"

The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!"

September 29, 2009

An attorney passed on and found himself in heaven, but not at all happy with his accommodations. He complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment.

The attorney immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but was then told that he would be waiting at least three years before his appeal could be heard.

The attorney protested that a three year wait was unconscionable, but his words fell on deaf ears. The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who told him that he would be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few days, if the attorney was willing to change venue to Hell.

When the attorney asked why appeals could be heard so much sooner in Hell, he was told, "We have all of the judges."

September 28, 2009

A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm's senior partner had passed away unexpectedly. "Is Mr. Spenser there?" asked the client on the phone.

"I'm very sorry, but Mr. Spenser passed away last night," the receptionist answered. "Can anyone else help you?"

The man paused for a moment, then quietly said, "no" and hung up.

Ten minutes later, he called again and asked for Mr. Spenser, his ex-wife's lawyer. The receptionist said, "You just called a few minutes ago, didn't you? Mr. Spenser has died. I'm not making this up." The man again hung up.

Fifteen minutes later, he called a third time and asked for Mr. Spenser. The receptionist was irked by this time. "I've told you twice already, Mr. Spenser is dead. He is not here! Why do you keep asking for him when I say he's dead? Don't you understand what I'm saying?"

The man replied, "I understand you perfectly. I just like hearing you say it over and over."

September 25, 2009

An elderly man 82, just returned from the doctors only to find he didn't have long to live. So he summons the three most important people in his life to tell.

1. His Doctor
2. His Priest
3. His Lawyer

" Well today I found out I don't have long to live. So I asked you three here, because your the most important people in my life. And I need to ask a favour. Today I am going to give each of you and envelope with $50,000 dollars in it. When I die, I would ask that all three of you throw the money in my grave."

Well a few days later the man passed on, The doctor said, "I have to admit I kept $10,000 dollars of his money, he owed me lots of medical bills. But I threw the other $35,000 in."

The Priest said, "I have to admit also I kept $25,000 dollars for the church. Its all going to a good cause. And I threw the rest in."

Well the Lawyer just couldn't believe what he was hearing, "I am surprised at you two. I wrote a check for the whole amount and threw it in."

September 24, 2009

How lawyers do it...

Lawyers do it with appeal.
Lawyers do it confidentially.
Lawyers do it on a trial basis.
Lawyers do it until justice prevails.
Lawyers do it as long as you can pay them.
Lawyers do it unless it is prohibited by law.

September 23, 2009

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.

He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.

The man says "I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?’"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I’m a divorce lawyer."

September 22, 2009

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

September 21, 2009

Two West Virginia lawyers hired a secretary from a small town in the hills. She was attractive, but it was obvious that she knew nothing about city life.

One attorney said to the other, "Mary is so young and pretty she might be taken advantage of by some of those fast-talking city guys. Why don't we teach her what's right and what's wrong?"

"Great idea," said the partner. "You teach her what's right."

September 18, 2009

A doctor, an architect, and an attorney were dining at the country club one day, and the conversation turned to the subject of their respective dogs, which were apparently quite extraordinary. A wager was placed on who had the most intelligent dog.

The physician offered to show his dog first, and called to the parking lot, "Hippocrates, come!" Hippocrates ran in, and was told by the doctor to do his stuff.

Hippocrates ran to the golf course and dug for a while, producing a number of bones. He dragged the bones into the country club, and assembled them into a complete, fully articulated human skeleton. The physician patted Hippocrates on the head, and gave him a cookie for his efforts.

The architect was only marginally impressed, and called for his dog, "Sliderule, come!" Sliderule ran in, and was told to do his stuff.

The dog immediately chewed the skeleton to rubble, but reassembled the fragments into a scale model of the Taj Mahal. The architect patted his dog and gave him a cookie.

The attorney watched the other two dogs, and called "Bullshit, come!" Bullshit entered and was told to do his stuff.

Bullshit immediately sodomised the other two dogs, stole their cookies, auctioned the Taj Mahal replica to the other club members for his fee, and went outside to play golf.

September 17, 2009


Lawyer: "Judge, I wish to appeal my client's case on the basis of newly discovered evidence."

Judge: "And what is the nature of the new evidence?"

Lawyer: "Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left."

September 16, 2009

A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer.
"Can you tell me how much you charge?", said the client.
"Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $200 to answer three questions!"
"Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?"
"Yes it is", said the lawyer, "And what's your third question?"

September 15, 2009

The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins:

  1. Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were guilty.
  2. Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.
  3. Overcharging fees to many clients.
  4. Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a controversial case.

And the list goes on for quite awhile.

The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these things, but argues, "Wait, I've done some charity in my life also." St. Peter looks in his book and says,"Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?" The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, "Yes." St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, "Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell."

September 14, 2009

Why don’t lawyers play hide-and-seek? Nobody will look for them.

September 11, 2009


It seems that a good, devout couple was about to get married, but a tragic car accident ended their lives. When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to get married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life, and they still desired wedded union. He thought about it and agreed, but said they would have to wait. It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter finally sent for them. They were married in a simple ceremony. Things went along fine for a while, but thirty years or so later, they came to a mutual agreement that eternity was best not spent together. They went back to St. Peter, and said: “We thought we would be happy forever, but now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences. Is there any way we can get a divorce?”
 
“Are you kidding?” St. Peter replied. “It took me a hundred years to get a priest up here to marry you. How do expect me to round up a lawyer?”

September 10, 2009

The two partners in a law firm were having lunch when suddenly one of them jumped up and said, "I have to go back to the office - I forgot to lock the safe!"

The other partner replied, "What are you worried about? We're both here."

September 9, 2009

A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket, and ordered a double scotch.

A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, he told the bartender that he's had enough.

The bartender said, "I've got to ask you - what's with the pocket business?"

The man replied, "I have my lawyer's picture in there. When he starts to look honest, I've had enough."

September 8, 2009

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards."

September 4, 2009

A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain."I'm an attorney," the wincing man said, "and this is going to cost you $5000.""I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," the concerned golfer replied. "But I did yell 'fore'.""I'll take it," the attorney said.

September 3, 2009

Q: What's wrong with lawyer jokes?
A: Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes.

September 2, 2009

Whoever tells the best story wins. - John Quincy Adams

A Lawyer will do anything to win a case, sometimes he will even tell the truth. - Patrick Murray


September 1, 2009

A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it. 

"Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.

"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put 'here lies an honest lawyer'." 
  

"But that won't let people know who it is!" protested the lawyer.

"Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "People will read it and exclaim, 'That's Strange!'"

August 31, 2009

At a convention of biologists, one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from rats to lawyers for our experiments?"

"Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?"

"Well, for three reasons. First, we found that lawyers are far more plentiful. Second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them. And third, there are just some things that even a rat won't do. 

August 28, 2009:

A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain.

"I'm an attorney," the wincing man said, "and this is going to cost you $5000."

"I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," the concerned golfer replied. "But I did yell 'fore'."

"I'll take it," the attorney said.

August 27, 2009:

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

August 26, 2009:

A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury.

The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendent was guilty. The jury went into the jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited.

After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a verdict yet?"

The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? Heck, they're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"

August 25, 2009:

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetary back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"

"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

August 24, 2009:

A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"

The housewife replies: "Four!".

The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."

The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"

August 21, 2009

How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, and then on the other.

August 20, 2009:

"You seem to be in some distress," said the kindly judge to the witness. "Is anything the matter?"

"Well, your Honour," said the witness, "I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects."

August 19, 2009:

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, and honest lawyer, and an old drunk were walking along when they simultaneously spotted a hundred-dollar bill laying in the street. Who gets it?

The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

August 18, 2009:

A gang of robbers broke into a bar association headquarters, expecting the place to be deserted, but instead stumbled into a cocktail party of the membership.  Sensing an opportunity for an even larger haul, they started to shake down the assembled lawyers.  But the lawyers gave them the fight of their life, and the gang was very happy to escape.

"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $300 between us."

The ringleader screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers -- we had $500 when we broke in!"

August 17, 2009:

Two women are on a transcontinental balloon voyage. Their craft is engulfed in fog, their compass gone awry. Afraid of landing in the ocean, they drift for days. Suddenly, the clouds part to show a sunlit meadow below. As they descend, they see a man walking his dog.

One of the flyers yells to the figure far below, "Where are we?"

The man yells back, "About a half mile from town."

Once again, the balloonists are engulfed in the mist. One flyer says to the other, "He must have been a lawyer."

The other says, "A lawyer! How do you know that?"

The first says, "That’s easy. The information he gave us was accurate, concise, and entirely irrelevant."

August 14, 2009: 

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was standing. St. Peter greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line into a comfortable chair by his desk.

The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"

St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"

August 13, 2009:

The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you," the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."

The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked.

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